


Harry Potter and the Completely Ordinary Chamber

by Jadedanddark



Series: Harry Potter and the Posh Scottish School for Completely Ordinary Teens [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Highschool AU, diary format, no magic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 23:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadedanddark/pseuds/Jadedanddark
Summary: Harry Potter's journal returns for his second school year. Last year the three of things was wild animals and drugs; this year, it's genetic engineering. Maybe he should just herd goats in Nepal.





	Harry Potter and the Completely Ordinary Chamber

July 30  
Happy birthday to me, I guess. Ron and Hermione have forgotten me. No choice but to move to Nepal and herd goats, who will be my true friends. I know this, because goats would depend on me for food and shelter and would therefore never leave me because it’s summer. Probably also not care that I have an owl. Uncle V hates Hedwig passionately. Suspect it’s because he’s jealous that he can’t turn his forefinger around to become a second thumb like she can.  
Aunt P having a dinner party tomorrow. I have instructions to pretend I don’t exist.  
H and R doing a good job of that already.

August 1  
Crazy night. Was trying to pretend didn’t exist but my room was broken into by this...person?...who claimed to serve a very powerful family. I don’t know what family hates me that much that they would send their incredibly short valet to stop my mail and then ruin Aunt P’s puff cake. He said the tormenting would continue unless I agreed not to return to school.  
The hell with that!  
Uncle V called the police and almost before they were gone there was a message arrived saying I have a black mark on my record, and a second will see me expelled. I don’t want to admit it but posh Scottish school moved really fast with that. Efficient.  
Also efficient: Uncle V has installed bars on my windows.  
Wish I were a goat herder.

August 4  
Apparently Ron knows how to drive?  
Fred and George must have gotten their lock picking skill from Hermione. Or maybe they taught her. Either way, yay for me.  
Mrs Weasley is a force of nature. So glad to have her as my new mum; having her as an enemy would be like having a hurricane hate you.  
Helped R and F and G with yard work punishment. Got bit by a vole. Bury my heart at Burrow Drive.

August 15  
Got lost on the way to Diagon Alley and ended up in this extremely sketchy area. Amazingly, ran into Douchebag and his dad selling even sketchier stuff at the sketchiest store I’ve ever seen.  
Suspect Douchebag might be gay. Unless he starts being less of a douchebag, he’s never going to find his prince charming.  
Our new Self Defense teacher is...kind of an energy sponge.  
Douchebag’s dad is what happens if you give a pile of manure a face and a walking stick and tell it that being old money will impress anyone. 

September 1  
Missed the train to post Scottish school. So did Ron, and we thought that was it until we remembered that Ron can drive.  
He cannot, apparently, park. We got to school but crashed into a tree and honestly felt like the tree was fighting back. Got detention and a lecture on grand theft auto from Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall, and Dumbledore.   
Hermione learned a fingerlock over the summer. Very good luck I’m right-handed or this term would be starting off entirely too much in favor or the goatherd plan.

September 2  
I told Ron not to turn on Autoplay but did he listen? He did not. He also still hasn’t fixed the volume control. I wonder if Mrs Weasley knew that.  
Suspect Professor Sprout (still don’t believe that’s really her name) is growing drugs in the greenhouse.   
Professor Lockheart seems to think I want to be the famous Harry Potter. Someone (me) ought to tell him that it’s actually because my whole family was murdered, not because I won American Idol.   
(I could though. If I wanted. Until my voice changes I can hit high C no problem.)  
(Which I may or may not have demonstrated when Professor L decided to teach us about defending against feral dogs by releasing a crate of angry chihuahuas on the class.)  
(Fortunately, H had no problem with them .I think she’s done this before.)  
PS, Neville got stuck on the lighting fixture. Not certain how he got up there.

September 3  
I may have to kill Oliver Wood.  
And Colin Creevey, if he doesn’t stop following me with his camera. I caught him on the stairs posing for a selfie with me in the background.   
And Douchebag, for buying the Snake team. I would have to kill him for calling Hermione a racial slur, but Ron beat me to it and punched him, but I think he must have hurt himself in the process because he’s showing all the signs of appendix rupture.  
Detention tonight. R has to polish the trophy room, and I help Professor L with fan mail.  
Nepaaaal, mountain mommaaaaa, take me hommmme....

Setpember 4  
Must have some of the weird hallucinogenic drug left over from last year, still in my system. Rather violent stuff. Must remember to practice those deep breathing exercises Hagrid taught me.  
Ron got halfway through his detention before they had to let him stop to get his appendix out. Sent him daisies.

October 6  
Found Filch's stash of herbal personal enhancements. Do they make eye bleach? Would regular bleach work? 

October 14  
Got roped into attending this awful old allumus party on Halloween. Old Nick is a nice guy I guess but I don't think anyone this century still holds those birthday parties where the theme is “Over the Hill” and they drape everything in black and mopes around like they’ve already died.  
Still hearing voices. Still violent stuff.  
Is there something wrong with me after all?

November 1  
So do they just not have normal Halloweens here at Hogwarts?  
Hagrid was doing something to genetically engineer pumpkins to be the size of restaurant booths, but no, it’s party with the living dead time.  
H accidentally insulted the alumus from 50 years ago, who still looks like she’s 13. That probably won’t come back to haunt anyone.  
Party crashed by the entire other party that Nick was hoping to make jealous with his own party. Catty.  
Speaking of cats, Fich’s cat got into some bad tuna or something because she’s in a coma. Didn’t know cats could do that. I thought they just died?  
I heard a lot of the violent voices right before it happened, and this time took the chance that it was not just a hallucination. So I was the one who found the cat, and the graffiti.   
“THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE!”  
Naturally, everyone blamed me, but since I didn’t do anything there was no proof. Every day as Harry Potter is just a whizbang of a time.


End file.
